From judgment to curiosity - changing the lens changes everything
Part 1 of the Reframing series. The curiosity shift — the foundational lens change that makes every other strategy more effective.
The question you ask yourself in a hard moment determines your entire response.
“What's wrong with my child?”
Labels. Frustration. Disconnection.
“What happened to my child?”
Curiosity. Empathy. Connection.
Tap a card to flip it and see what a child might really be communicating.
Same behavior. Two completely different interpretations. Notice how the reframe opens up space for connection instead of conflict.
“He's so disrespectful. He needs to learn he can't act this way.”
“His nervous system is overwhelmed right now. He's communicating distress the only way he can. What does he need to feel safe enough to calm down?”
“She only does what she wants. She's manipulative and lazy.”
“I wonder what barriers or stressors she's experiencing that are making it hard to get started. What does she need from me right now?”
“He's always disrupting everything. He just wants attention and doesn't care about anyone else.”
“He's telling me he needs connection. I wonder how I can give him that attention in a way that works for both of us.”
“It's just a broken crayon. She's being so dramatic. She needs to toughen up.”
“The broken crayon was the last straw, not the real problem. Her cup was already full. This was just what made it overflow. What's been filling her cup today?”
“He's a liar. If he lies about small things now, what will he do when he's older?”
“He doesn't feel safe enough to tell me the truth right now. What can I do to make honesty feel less dangerous?”
A child's behavior makes a lot more sense when you understand what's happening in their nervous system. Here's the simplified version.
When a child's nervous system feels safe, they can think clearly, learn, cooperate, play, and connect. This is where they can hear you.
Eye contact, flexibility, laughter, ability to follow directions, social engagement, calm body.
When the nervous system detects threat, it mobilizes for survival. The thinking brain goes offline. This is not a choice.
Yelling, hitting, running, throwing, arguing, defiance, restlessness, inability to sit still.
When fight or flight doesn't resolve the threat, the nervous system goes into conservation mode. The child withdraws, numbs, or collapses.
Blank stare, flat affect, giving up, hiding, going silent, saying “I don't care,” refusing to engage.
Most “problem behavior” is a child in fight/flight or shutdown. They're not being difficult - their nervous system is doing its job. The way back is always through safety and connection, never through punishment or pressure.
Reframing is a skill, not an instinct. It gets easier with practice, especially when you're not in the heat of the moment.
When a child does something that triggers you, catch the automatic thought. Don't judge it. Just notice it.
Before you respond, take one slow breath. This gives your own thinking brain a chance to come back online. You can't reframe when you're dysregulated.
Replace “What's wrong with him?” with “What's going on for him right now? What might he be feeling underneath this?”
Once you've identified what might be underneath, respond to that. Connection before correction. Safety before expectations.
After things calm down, think about what happened. What was the trigger? What was underneath? What worked? This is how patterns become visible, and how reframing becomes second nature.
Children do well if they can. When they can't meet expectations, it's because they lack the skills, not the will.
Greene, R.W. (2014). The Explosive Child. 5th ed. Harper.
Beneath every challenging behavior is a child working to meet a need, cope with stress, or communicate something they don't have words for.
Delahooke, M. (2019). Beyond Behaviors. PESI Publishing.
Asking “What happened to you?” instead of “What's wrong with you?” recognizes that behavior is a product of experience, not character.
Perry, B.D. & Winfrey, O. (2021). What Happened to You? Flatiron Books.
Stress behavior looks like misbehavior, but they are fundamentally different. Reframing changes the question from “how do I get this child to behave?” to “what is stressing this child?”
Shanker, S. (2016). Self-Reg. Penguin.
A child in a survival state cannot reason or learn from consequences. They need co-regulation before they can return to a state where learning is possible.
Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy. W.W. Norton.
Reframing takes practice, and it helps to have someone in your corner. If you'd like support making this shift with your own family, Justine can help.
Get in TouchPart 1 of the Reframing Series. More guides on specific reframes and strategies are coming soon.